| A brief alcohol-inspired rant. |
[Sep. 20th, 2009|02:18 am] |
Alcohol. It may make me talk more, but it doesn't make me more sociable. If anything, I become more analytical, if more vocal about it. I'm still having trouble socializing like any other normal human person. I can do the drunken "HEY MAN, WHASS YOUR NAME? Oh, awesome (name), I'm Nelson" and add a bit of flair which I believe makes me memorable, and that's a decent start I suppose. But I can't seem to get much farther than that, and in any case I need to learn how to do this sober, how to willfully let go and just talk to anyone. It's like anything else: it just takes practice. Sure you'll always feel that anxiety about it, but you learn to cope with it, possibly even use the discomfort to enhance your performance. Just like a cold pool. I've used this metaphor before, I'm not elaborating on it.
I'ma go drink water to prevent the hangovers.
PS: I still proofread, even while quite drunk. This only reinforces my first point. |
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| Life story and goals. |
[Jul. 25th, 2009|02:47 am] |
Today I want to do a quick run-down of what thought processes and events throughout my life have resulted in me being here, doing what I'm doing today. This one will be less comical than the last one. Here comes the wall of text:
Going all the way back to elementary school, I've almost always excelled despite having no clear goal. I think maybe I cared/tried more back then, but I never put any thought into where it was going. Do well in school. Ok. Never asked why, just did it. The only major problems came from writing and drawing.
In kindergarten we had an assignment of "draw what you want to be when you grow up." I sat there with a blank piece of paper for a long time, until the teacher came over and asked why I hadn't drawn anything. I said I didn't know what I wanted to be. I was panicked: it was an assignment I couldn't do good on! I didn't know the answer! The teacher said something like, "You can be anything you want! You can be a policeman or an etc. etc." after she walked away, I started drawing a policeman because it was the first thing she said. It was an answer that would get me past this one assignment.
Moving through the years, did well in most subjects, had the highest grades in the class in third grade (I got a certificate for it!) kept doing the work in front of me, with one exception: on the every-other-year-or-so standardized tests, I left about 3/4 of the writing prompts blank. But because my vocabulary and grammar were so good I was still in the 93rd percentile or higher. I learned that I could get away with just not writing if the rest of my work was good!
Middle school, I was in the RISE program, though I dropped the English part of it after the first year, due to poor writing skills. Still, no goals, no big dreams for the future, I was just doing the work in front of me. Was in the MathCounts team, which meant I was apparently the one of the top ten math students in the school. In eighth grade a group of students from Purdue came in to give a presentation for a new program called Project Lead the Way, a set of five pre-engineering high school classes. Actually, according to the 36 pt font at the top of their handouts, they were from Purude University, but that's beside the point. I brought the brochure home, and my dad saw to it that I was signed up for it. Whatever. Sounds like fun. Something to do.
High school, still in most of the honors classes except for English. Still leaving most of the writing prompts blank. The first day of my Chemistry class the teacher said something about how Chemistry takes more work than any class we'd had so far, incredulously adding that the only way you could breeze through it is if you made it through Algebra II without trying. I laughed to myself: I HAD made it through Algebra II without trying. I breezed through Chemistry with a B+.
My Junior year of high school, in my English class we had to write an essay about our goals. I rolled my eyes at it: I didn't need goals. I just show up, do what I normally do, and I do pretty good. I wrote goals like "get straight A's," and "drop my time in swimming;" things that I knew I would just do. At the end of the year we had to do reflections on each of our assignments. I was sick of the class and the teacher, so my goals reflection was to the tune of "Goal-setting is pointless, I was just going to do these things anyway." I got no credit for it, the teacher saying "no credit for satirical goals reflection." Satirical? That was the most serious thing I'd written all year, woman! What, did think I actually put effort into the Beowulf song I sang to the tune of Speed Racer?
Senior year, I had a composition class. Halfway into it the year my teacher called my parents and told them I didn't even have a topic yet, where most of the class was on their first rough draft. Apparently I needed this class to graduate. pfft. I think I ended up bullshitting together something about Go at the last minute.
At some point, I was in my guidance counselor's office going over transcripts and college applications. She had a stack of forms, each with a different person's name on it, and each with a handwritten number jotted in the top right corner. I asked what they were, she said IQ scores. Mine said 130. I looked it up later: I was two standard deviations above the average. I'm "smarter" than 97% of people. That explained why I'd graduated with honors, in the top 7% of my class, without ever giving a shit.
Applying for colleges, I avoided any applications or scholarships that involved writing. If asked where wanted to go to college, I'd shrug and say "Purdue. I guess. My grades and SAT were good enough that I'm guaranteed to get in." What for? "I dunno. I was in that pre-engineering program. I like computers I guess. Computer Engineering?" What do you plan on doing with your degree? "Haven't really thought about it. It's a pretty big field though, right? I'll find something."
My dad did most of the paperwork on apps for other colleges. There was a questionnaire I had to do for one of them, which I avoided for weeks. Furious, he answered the question "what are your life goals?" with "leech off of my parents until they die, then play video games until I die." That hit me for a little while, but eventually I just laughed at it.
I knew college would be different. I knew I couldn't just breeze through it. I wanted to study. But I rarely did. I was still doing assignments the night, or morning, before they were due. I was actually trying LESS than I did in high school. I was forced to drop out of the honors program after the first semester due to grades. Two weeks into my fourth semester in engineering, I freaked out, walked out in the middle of a class and went straight to the guidance office and asked to change my major. They talked me out of it, but I did the same thing two days later, and pushed through. I changed my major to Computer Science.
I don't know what I was thinking. I've only ever written one program that wasn't for a class; I didn't enjoy programming. I spent about a year CS anyway. By the end of it I was walking out of half of my classes early because I couldn't stand them. I was antagonizing half of my classmates because I hadn't yet learned that if you stay in a major long enough, you'll eventually start seeing the same people in all your classes. But they were assholes anyway.
At this point I was freaked out, I had no plan for a major, I was three years deep and I had no plan, no goals, and no vision of where I'll be in five years. I switched to Dietetics. If you ask me why, I'll tell you it's because I liked engineering, I felt like I had an engineer's mindset, but I didn't like any of the engineering disciplines, and Dietetics is like nutritional engineering. But that's backwards rationalization.
The real reason I switched to Dietetics is because my sister read through the list of majors, did some research, and suggested it to me. She said it seemed like a good fit for me. My mom agreed, talking about how good I eat, and how aware I am of nutritional stuff. And while I did do some reading about it, I went along with it for the same reason I drew that policeman in kindergarten: it was just an answer. Now, I really do enjoy studying nutrition and the like, but I feel like that's just a convenient coincidence. And it still hasn't made me study much more. I still don't have any goals. When people ask what I want to do with my degree or, hell, when people ask which branch of the major I'm doing or where I want to do my internship, I tell them I'm still weighing my options. But I haven't even looked into it yet. I still have no fucking idea where I want to be in five years. I really think it has something to do with nutrition, but I don't know what.
And I STILL am not doing my writing assignments. Even when I get an incomplete in a class, three months and a half-dozen concerned emails from professors later I haven't even started. I need to get out of this rut. There's so many things that I think I want to do, so many skills I want to develop that I'm afraid to commit to any of them, I don't want to close any doors, so I end up doing nothing at all. I'm taking my mind, my body, and my infinitely helpful and caring family for granted, and squandering them. I've spent this summer leeching off of my parents and playing video games.
So. That's where I am now. It felt good to get this out, but it's not even a start toward fixing anything. Now I need to quit whining and get to work. |
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| YEAH, RAIN! |
[Mar. 31st, 2009|09:30 pm] |
If you haven't gone for a mile run in the pouring down rain yet this year, do it now.
That shit is EXHILARATING. |
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| Early school experiences |
[Mar. 10th, 2009|08:06 am] |
I woke up today an hour before my alarm - which is pretty common for me - and I couldn't stop thinking about my early school experiences, the things that stuck out, how they've shaped me, what I took from them...
On the last day of preschool, we had a "graduation" ceremony, complete with the four-sided hat and gown. All the kids had to do this play/musical thing. I was given a plastic duck bill and they told me to sing the duck verse of Old MacDonald. I know I was up on stage in front of all our parents, but I don't remember the audience. All I remember is having this plastic duck bill covering my mouth and nose, with my warm breath condensating inside it, having to breathe muggy air while I timidly tried to sing.
After kindergarten, I went to "extended time" for a year before first grade. Or was it between first and second grade? I didn't think much of it... I remember my parents saying something like I was too short, so they were giving me an extra year to grow. Years later I found my old report cards, one of them said "We've given Jason the gift of an extra year!" or something like that. Nothing sticks out about it though... I don't know why I was given this "extra year."
I think it was second grade, partway through the year we got a new student, Robby Reubenson... I'm probably spelling that wrong. On his third day, the teacher pulled me aside, and told two other students who were trying to get her attention that she wanted to talk to me "in private." One of them gasped and said to the other "She just said she wants to talk in private parts! We should tell Mrs. [whoever, the assistant teacher]." I rolled my eyes as they ran off. I knew what she meant. Anyway, the teacher told me that Robby is new and he needs to make friends, and that I should be his friend. I said okay, but I thought it was odd... he seemed to be doing pretty well to me. It wasn't until years later that I realized it was ME who needed to make friends. I put in an effort, but never really talked to Robby that much.
One year, in art class, we were told to draw our "dream house." We had an hour a day, two days a week to work on this. By the third day of this project, almost everyone was done. I had only that day drawn a single line, symbolizing the ground. Art Teacher pulled a desk out into the hall and told me to work out there. She looked at me angrily and informed me that I'd had a week to work on this and so far I have the ground. I remember thinking something like, "she must be really emotional because she's like seven months pregnant." Anyway, I didn't know what my dream house looked like. I was pretty content where I lived. So I drew my own house, with a ladder on top and an arrow that said "to bungee," and I think one or two little add-ons. When I turned it in, Art Teacher seemed pretty underwhelmed with it. I think she commented about how I should have done more, but accepted it.
Another year, my grade had to put on yet another play/musical. We all sang songs together, and between them each student would read some quote. During the rehearsal, Music Teacher dispensed advice for each person. She told me to "be less nervous." Yeah. Be less nervous. Good advice. I don't remember the actual play.
Throughout the years, some of the kids were periodically pulled out of the classroom one at a time for an hour of "speech class." I always wondered what it was, why some people went and not others. I think it was fourth grade when I had to do it. It was a series of sessions with Mr. What's His Face, consisting of little activities, games, puzzles... All I remember was the first session, where I was told to draw a picture of my house. Good. I know what my house looks like. I messed up some minor detail the first time and asked for a second sheet of paper. He gave it to me, and I started over. My second attempt, I got it right. He commented that most kids just draw a simple line drawing of a house and say "I'm done." He seemed impressed with the detail I tried to put into it, how I cared enough to ask for a second try... To this day, I can't figure out what the purpose of these sessions was. I didn't need extra time interacting with an adult. I needed instruction on how to better interact with my peers. I still need instruction on how to better interact with my peers.
I might write about middle/high school later. |
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| conclusions |
[Mar. 8th, 2009|04:03 am] |
1. Alcohol is silly.
2. I would like a new massage buddy, since my old one graduated last year. That's all. Just a massage every now and then. I've developed a nasty knot in my back, and I've read Massage For Dummies, so yeah, massage buddy would be nice. |
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| Sound check |
[Feb. 17th, 2009|11:03 pm] |
| [ | Listening to: |
| | Sohodolls - I'm not cool | ] |
Just a test of an app I found, using one of my favorite songs at the moment. Let me know if you can hear this:
Makes me want to dance... |
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| New focus: The unexamined life is not worth living, man. |
[Feb. 14th, 2009|03:48 pm] |
Starting the weekly self-examining and goal setting thing again. I'm going to keep most of the details to myself this time, but if I have any breakthroughs or "deep thoughts," I'll post them here.
In other news, later today I'm going with some friends to see The Vagina Monologues, or as we've come to refer to them: "Vagimon."
VAGIMON, I CHOOSE YOU! |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 6th, 2009|10:13 am] |
Swing is a constant reminder of how stuck inside my own head I am. I need to face it, and learn to let go. Lucky me, there's a free event at the RSC tonight that's open to the public, meaning there will be a lot of new people there, and therefore there will be less pressure to dance well.
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Before Sunrise has taken my expectations of how badass travelling the world will be to new levels of unrealism. DAMN YOU RICHARD LINKLATER AND YOUR AMAZING FILMS!
On the note of Richard Linklater's films, I've been remembering glimpses of my dreams for the first time in months. Time to get the dream journal out again.
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I've gotten drunk the past three weekends. It's been tons of fun, but I think I'm done for a while.
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I've been having this compulsion to clean and reorganize my apartment lately. That's probably what I'll do for most of the weekend. It'd be nice to have this place looking presentable for the pancake brunch I really, really want to have. I need more tables and chairs... |
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| Alcohol |
[Jan. 18th, 2009|11:42 pm] |
I am alcohol right now, but somehow I can still do rubik's cubes in 47 seconds and pull 11x combos in Tetris attack and pwn the shit out of plebs. I am, however, having to abuse the backspace key to type this.
I love you. I don't know who you are, but magic happiness I love you.
ha. hahaha.
man, I use the word man a lot when alcohol.
edit: two people have told me I look like Alton Brown with my new glasses. This pleases me. |
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| AWESOMENESS |
[Dec. 20th, 2008|09:03 am] |
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WHEN I GET SAD, I STOP BEING SAD AND BE AWESOME AGAIN. TRUE STORY. |
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| This has happened twice now |
[Dec. 6th, 2008|09:57 pm] |
I've been taking swing dancing lessons all semseter, but I've been avoiding the actual events until I "get good." But lessons aren't where you get good, the actual dance floor is where the real learning happens.
So I go to one of the events. I walk in, everyone's dancing, laughing, having a good time. I smile. I can't wait to get in there. I take my coat off, change into my nice shoes, and wait until the song ends. I walk around, find a chair near some other people who are talking. The next song ends. I sit in silence, watch people dancing, trying to figure out what I moves I should try. Another song goes by. I start looking around... does SHE want to dance? What about her, I should ask her... Another song goes by...
A girl approaches me, introduces herself. I smile, tell her my name.
She asks if I want to dance. Sure, I'd love to.
We walk out to the dance floor. I take her hand. She smiles and looks at me expectantly.
I lead a rock step, then hesitate. She has a quizzical look in her eyes, but smiles politely. I start the next step, but stop halfway.
I drop her hand. She says that's ok, we can blues dance. That makes sense, we just got out of a 5 hour blues dancing workshop. She steps toward me.
I step back. I open my mouth to say sorry, but don't make a sound. I find a spot on the nearest wall, and start walking toward it. She follows me for a few steps, then breaks away and finds someone else to dance with.
Meanwhile, I'm staring at this wall that's now two feet in front of me.
No. Don't do this. RECOVER, SOLDIER.
I walk over to a group that happens to be next to my coat, bite my lip, then turn to watch the dance floor. Here, just a few feet away, people having the fun I want to have, learning what I want to learn.
Don't do it.
I put a hand on my coat.
Stop it.
I look around desperately for someone to notice what I'm going through and stop me. Ask me what's wrong. Listen to my babbling over-analyzed story of how despite dancing with dozens of people at lessons, I don't feel like I've met anyone. Of how I go through the motions, but don't make actual applications. How this perfectly parallels my study habits: I show up for every class, I'm attentive and focused, but that's all. How I know that less than ten percent of the learning process takes place in the classroom, but I never study. How I never apply these concepts I wish to learn, and so they remain in my head merely as ideas of concepts. Of how I know exactly what I need to do, and even have an idea of how to do it, but I don't. How I'm operating at about 4% of my potential.
The only way I am going to learn how to dance is to get back out there on the dance floor. Yes, I'll probably suck at first, but that's ok. Anything worth doing is worth doing poorly at first. There is no failure, only feedback. Now get out there and fail until things start to click, because eventually they will.
I put on my coat. Grab my walking shoes, put them in my bag. Changing into them would mean staying here a few seconds longer. I walk toward the door. Someone behind me yells, "hey man, leaving so soon?"
I don't miss a beat. I'm already out the door. I walk back to my apartment, half a mile through the snow. In my good shoes. I blink back tears, try to swallow the lump in my throat. I am completely disappointed in myself.
Fuck it. Maybe I'll get started on that 8 page paper I have to write by Monday. |
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| Frats are funny |
[Sep. 20th, 2008|12:42 am] |
*SHATTER*
"... Dude... that was fucking awesome!"
*footsteps* "What happened?"
"We got a window!"
"Are you fucking serious?"
"YEAH! WE GOT A WINDOW!"
"Are you fucking serious?"
"YEAH! WIN-DOW! WIN-DOW! WIN-DOW! YEAH!"
"Are you fucking serious? ... Hi, I'm Francisco, and I'm a fucking retard."
(laughing) "Dude," (more laughter) "we got a window." |
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| Fuck off Will Wright. Fuck right off. |
[Sep. 9th, 2008|12:47 am] |
I downloaded Spore today. After I got out of class, I ate lunch, then I played it for 8 hours straight. No food, no water, maybe one bathroom break. And I didn't even notice. Once I realized this, I deleted it.
If I find some way to harness the power of my obsessive drive, to focus that hard on things I want to get done, I could become unstoppable.
... I'm thirsty. |
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| 300: still best thing to happen to me. |
[Jul. 30th, 2008|02:07 pm] |
I watched 300 this morning for the first time in at least 6 months. I'm feeling motivated again. After watching it, I put on my work jeans, walked outside, grabbed my sledgehammer, and with my dog beside me, went for a run through the woods. We ran circles around the house, into the woods, past swamps and fallen trees.
Then back to the side of the house, stretched, dashed up the stone steps. Flipped my 6 foot tire around, hit it with my sledge, 10 reps on each side.
Run back down the steps, into the basement. Pullups, crunches, bounce an 8 pound medicine ball at the wall. 40 seconds to stretch. No rest. Faster. Can do this faster.
Outside, up the steps again. Swing the sledge some more. Concentrate on form, don't get lazy now. Gotta flip the tire 5 times to get it back to its place. Tired, arms failing. Do it anyway.
Done. For today. Only 20 minutes. A mere 5 minutes of running and 100 reps total. It will be 7 minutes and 150 reps tomorrow. And it will be more structured.
Back inside. Sweat dripping down my face, collecting around my lips. I lick my lips and almost gag. So salty it reminds me of the ocean. I haven't sweat like this since Swim Camp. Drink two glasses of water. Start making a protein shake.
I see a fly on the table. Swing my hand at it.
*SLAM*
First try. Bare handed. Fly is dead.
I feel faster than before. My muscles already beginning to recover. My head is clearer. My eyes are in front. I see what I need to do, where to go next.
No prisoners. No mercy. A good start.
HAROOH! HAROOH! HAROOH! |
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| I Need Structure |
[Jul. 11th, 2008|04:33 pm] |
Ok, so, I worked out almost every day for the first week of the summer, then spent the rest of it regressing. Starting today, I'm imposing a bit more structure. Nothing major, but hopefully enough to get me motivated and more with it.
-get exactly 6 hours of sleep, from 12-6 whenever possible.
-half hour workout starts within 30 minutes of waking
-At least 1 hour EVERY DAY on schoolwork.
-Make a list of projects/etc. I need/want done. Pick at least two, spend at least two hours total.
-Play Civ 4 for a maximum of three hours ONLY if other shit is taken care of.
Just before bed:
-Spend 10 minutes making sure my room is clean & organized
-Spend 10-20 minutes planning next day's schedule and workout
Etc:
-Get out of the house for something other than school or work 4 days/nights per week.
-If it means going out alone, talk to strangers.
Off topic:
You know how there's all these snack foods that come in "100 Calorie" portions now? I saw 100 Calorie dog treats a few days ago. Really. Dog treats.
Seriously. |
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| Goals and projects |
[May. 7th, 2008|07:33 pm] |
I think it's time I made a brief list of goals. In no particular order:
Life:
Spend at least as much time applying knowledge as learning
Learn as much as I can about nutrition and how to optimize the human body
Cook. A lot.
Learn five different types of dance (Swing, Salsa, and three others...)
Master a martial art
Master massage
Learn Tai Chi and/or meditation, practice daily
Lucid dream nightly, use this time primarily to rehearse skills and overcome fears
Learn, apply, and teach social engineering
Learn Spanish, Japanese, and at least one more language.
Visit at least 30 different countries.
Spend a month backpacking across Europe.
This summer:
Get a job
Talk to 500 people I've never met before; practice starting conversations and delivering anecdotes
Kick it with people I do know. (Whatcha doin' this summer?)
Study and practice massage (Seriously. We should hang out this summer.)
Learn and apply basic fashion ideas, revamp my wardrobe (but don't become a trend whore)
Apply for some scholarships
Ace the shit out of my summer course
Study for my Fall classes before they start
Study Spanish or Japanese
Visit Canada, eh.
Get Critical Mass started in Valpo
Perfect recipes for pancakes and ice cream (now accepting applications for taste testers!)
Write in my dream journal every morning
Work out and/or stretch daily
Learn to meditate, practice daily (Also NLP)
Make a decent website for myself |
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| Finals are done... |
[May. 3rd, 2008|05:52 pm] |
In one of my classes this semester we learned about various flaws in perception. One of them was the Fundamental Attribution Error. This is when a person tends to attribute their shortcomings too heavily to their environment, and take far too much credit for things that they accomplish. So they complain about circumstance or bad luck when they fuck up, and think they did everything right when they were actually just lucky. I seem to have the opposite of this: whenever I do well in a class, I feel like I lucked out, and whenever I do poorly, I say yeah, I didn't try my hardest, I got what I deserved.
That being said, I definitely earned the grade I got in Microbiology, but I might have gotten lucky in Nutrition... |
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| Weekend update |
[Apr. 13th, 2008|09:42 pm] |
Did well on my nutrition test last week, but fell behind on my study schedule for Microbiology. Going to get back to that as soon as I'm done writing this.
Unlocked Groove Edit Mode in CvS2, and infinite groove points. After experimenting a bit, created what I think to be the optimum Groove for my playing style. Now I never have to play single-player mode again. Ever.
FINALLY applied for Student Cook position. Should finish my training by halfway into next semester. Woo.
Did some volunteer work at the nutrition booth of Spring Fest. Will add that to my resume.
Got an iPod Shuffle. FOR FREE. Listening to more music now.
This week:
Read and Outline two chapters of Micro each day.
Figure out what I need to study for Anatomy Lab exam next week, and study it.
Get people to come over and help "dispose" of the alcohol in my fridge before the semester ends. |
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| Weekly update |
[Apr. 8th, 2008|12:11 am] |
Missed my update last week because I was slacking off.
Missed my update yesterday because I was studying. A lot. And still am.
This is a habit I can live with. Learning rocks.
Schedule predicts I should be caught up by next Sunday. Proper update then.
Also: it's Spring. I'm happy. |
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| A step toward Internet Celebrity |
[Mar. 27th, 2008|09:03 pm] |
So my internet friends from Belgium started a social movement/culture/lifestyle which they call I Power.
From their website:
'I Power' refers to the power that each individual has to change and to take control of his own life.
It is a lifestyle based on 3 fundamental principles:
1. Being open-minded
Being open to all ideas and approaching them without prejudice.
2. Active thinking
Thinking about all the ideas that matter to you.
3. Putting your vision into practice
Actively making changes to your life as you reach new conclusions.
I just passed 100 posts on their forums. There's some pretty good people there, lots of self-improvement and discussion of various topics like censorship, authority, gaming addiction, etc. Anyway, I decided to make my own I Power YouTube clip:
Watch this clip to get an idea of the concept. The bit relevant to my clip starts at 18:54, in particular, what Tania says at 19:30.
And here's me. I think it's crazy that the first comment was from a 52 year old guy in Uzbekistan. |
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| Something I'd like to share |
[Mar. 26th, 2008|08:24 am] |
I got my bike fixed last Thursday, and the next day I went to Purdue's chapter of Critical Mass. We had almost sixty people on bikes, riding as a single unit. Most notably: there was one guy on a clown bike with a stereo attached to it, a guy with a double-tall bike he'd built from two old bikes, and two girls on a tandem bike.
Here's the route we took. Yes, we took the highway downhill across the river on our bikes. Yes, I probably broke 25 MPH. Yes, it was fucking scary. Yes, I'm doing it again next month. Yes, Wade, you should start this in Valpo. |
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| Weekly update |
[Mar. 16th, 2008|11:15 pm] |
What I accomplished over Spring Break:
Reestablished and strengthened my goals and values.
Sold or deleted most of my video games, after systematically excising 90% of my desire to play video games.
Messed with Belgium.
Ran a mile in 7:53.
Watched 300 again.
Changed the spark plugs, ignition cables, and valve cover gasket on my car, then took it to a mechanic who fixed the holes in the exhaust line and changed the muffler. Car runs pretty good now.
Developed a new study method, looks promising...
Almost finished Neuromancer. |
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